God loves me even when I don’t love myself.
New Year’s Day I woke reminiscing over the past year. It was really a pretty great year considering the struggles I had dealt with. I had met new people and done new things. My brother, Mike and I had become a better team caregiving for Mom. I felt great.
As the day proceeded, I thought about the new year ahead of me. I knew things were not going to get better with Mom – only worse. I could have done better last year working with Mike and taking care of Mom. Mom gained 30 pounds which caused her legs to hurt. She found it impossible to walk as much as she likes to. Her medication had increased her appetite. She was hungry all the time and had become fussy about what she would eat. She would live on sweets and Alfredo if you let her.
In addition to Mom gaining weight I had gained an extra 20 pounds. Last year’s goal was to lose weight and improve my health. I had failed.
Another goal I had was to decrease my debt. I paid extra every month but due to some dental work and auto maintenance my debt total remained the same. I’m not upset with myself because I worked hard at it. I am discouraged though. I need to get my eyes checked this year. It has been 5 years. I was told that I was developing cataracts. I pray that I only need new glasses. Will next year’s debt total be the same or more?
My third goal was to work on my attitude. As I looked back over the year I could see some improvement in some areas. Not so much in others. Perhaps even worse.
I was heading in a downward slump. I just didn’t want to think about the new year at all.
I had a goal to write a blog a week. The most logical thing would have been the new year. I just couldn’t do it. I sought God for help. Give me something else to write about Lord. Nothing. Silence. Where are you? Is it over?
I was feeling pretty bad about myself. Thinking about all the things that I couldn’t make happen. Disappointed in myself and life. Frustration and impatience is a pride issue. Humility has been the main focus of my attitude goal for about 3 years now.
I don’t think I’ve even made a dent in this goal.
I got a new journal for Christmas from my daughter. Every day lists a chapter in the bible to read. Saturday’s was Romans 3. As I read the Lord began to open me up. It wasn’t about my works but my faith. I knew this as head knowledge. God was letting me experience it. He showed me that I was feeling sorry for myself and didn’t believe that God loved me. Then I remember things on prior days that proved that He did and I had chosen to ignore them. My focus was on the negative.
I wrote in my journal on Saturday, God loves me.
I woke up this morning inspired to write. We (God and me) are going to continue with the same goals in 2019. We have changed some of the strategies for getting there.
One of the best things a person can do for their self is to remember that God loves them. If you look for it, you will see it.
Happy New Year